


Suicide a Month Before I Met You

by Applesaucedip



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Drug Use, Ghosts, Guardian Angels, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Overdosing, Past Child Abuse, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Soulmates, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, schizophrenic bokuto koutarou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25254178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applesaucedip/pseuds/Applesaucedip
Summary: “Okay I'll start from the beginning. You’re dead, And this is what’s after death, some call it being a ghost, some call it heaven, maybe even hell. There are so many different names, but the main reason you’re here is because you died so young. You never got to meet your soulmate!”-Akaashi becomes Bokuto's guardian angel.{hiatus}
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 23
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thought of this because of the first line in 'Goodbye Angels' by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
> 
> *Edited chapter*

*a few notes about the content going into it.

Safe injection spots are a form of harm reduction services. They supply safe and sterile free drug use equipment and a place for drug users to reach out for help if they choose or use the drugs they wish. Counsellors and social workers are always around to make sure everyone is okay and ready to call paramedics if there is an overdose. 

What is harm reduction? Harm reduction is a method used for addicts to ensure safety measures are taken when use of dangerous coping mechanisms. Drug addiction is never going to go away, it provides a safe and educational space for people to use their methods with as little negative consequences as possible. This involves giving sterile equipment to avoid the use of needles already used to avoid infections or diseases commonly caught or passed on with addicts. 

~

Akaashi reached the end of his line. His life was falling apart, he got kicked out from his parents place after months of them bugging him to find a girlfriend and move out. He dropped out of college due to his deteriorating mental health. His parents found it difficult having their 23 year old son back home. He worked part time at a convenience store but due to his low functioning depression he called in sick way too many times, resulting in his boss firing him. He felt no real reason to be alive. The last straw was his parents finding out about his sexuality, in the most embarrassing way possible. His little sister, who was only fifteen, had stolen his laptop at some point while he was taking a nap. Upon opening the screen there was an open window which she pulled up. It was gay porn. Of course she was startled and showed their parents. They were furious. They stormed into his room and flicked the lights on, he stirred and groaned, opening his eyes enough to see the furious expression on his parents' faces. He sat up and grumbled out a barely audible, “What,”

“Get out of our house. Pack your shit up and leave,” His father scowled the most he’s ever seen his entire life. If it wasn't for the pure disgust written all over their faces Akaashi would have chuckled and brushed it off, but it was all too real. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, wide awake at this point. 

“Your sister saw some of your disgusting pornography. We don’t need someone like  _ that _ in our family,” His mom spat, throwing his clean laundry at him. 

“Don't make this harder for yourself, and leave Keji. Get up and leave, don’t even think about crawling back here again,” 

Akaashi looked down to his lap. He didn't feel sad, he didn't feel anything. He shrugged the clothes off his shoulder and set his feet down to the ground, the floor was littered in garbage and dirty plates. He pulled out a big suitcase and started packing some clothes he could donate. It wasn't a question in his mind that today would be the last full day of his life. He often thought of ending his life and the countless ways he could do it, today was the day he would put it to action. He decided he might as well give his clothes to people with a better and more promising future ahead of them. After packing up the clothes he took his phone out and dialed the one person he actually stayed friends with from college. Kuroo.

“Hey man!” Kuroo said as he answered the phone. 

“Hey Kuroo. Just wondering if you wanted to go somewhere to eat?” He might as well say goodbye one last time to the person he could actually call a friend. 

“Yeah, sure! Just finishing up some homework. Text me the place and I'll meet you in twenty?”

“Sounds good,” He ended the call and put on some deodorant knowing his parents probably wouldn’t have wanted him to take a shower in their perfect hetero house. 

He left almost everything, except his phone, wallet and the suitcase of clothes he was soon going to get rid of. He made sure to dress in nice clothes, if someone were to find him he might as well be dressed decently. He made his way out of his house and dropped off the entire suitcase of clothes in a donation shack before going to his bank to withdraw as much cash as he could. As he was finishing he texted Kuroo which cafe they would meet at. It was fairly close to Kuroo’s apartment, only a ten minute walk. 

He walked in buying himself a coffee and sitting near a window as he waited for his friend. Only fifteen minutes after he sat down Kuroo sat down loudly in front of him. “Hey ‘Kaashi, any reason for looking so good?” Akaashi smiled slightly and fiddled with the drink in his hands, “You know, this is the place one of my new friends work, I think you would like him a lot! His name is Bokuto Koutarou, he isn’t working today, but I should introduce you two someday!” Akaashi nodded along politely to what his black haired friend was going on about. He was talking about Bokuto but he couldn’t pay attention to the words, knowing that he would never meet him anyway. He loved listening to Kuroo, even if he wasn't listening to what was being said it was nice being talked to in a friendly way rather than lectured like his parents would do every other day. 

They talked for a few hours before the sun started to set. Kuroo stated he had a few things to do tonight and said his goodbye, “Wait, Kuroo. I just want to thank you for everything” Kuroo had a curious expression on his face, “You’re a great friend, I’m just glad you never gave up on me. It means a lot,”

“Of course Akaashi, you're a great guy. I know you're going through some shit but you’re still a great guy nonetheless,” Kuroo’s eyes were furrowed, Akaashi never said anything too sappy, or thanked him, it was a bit odd but he tried not to dwell on it too much and pointed to his phone, “Let me know if you need anything man! See you soon alright,”

Akaashi gave him a small smile and looked down as Kuroo left the cafe. He sat back down at the table and looked up safe injection spots he could get free needles and buy heroin off a junky nearby. 

He found one not too far and started walking. Twenty minutes later he found the spot and entered, he felt so numb, like this was a normal occurrence, he felt no guilt, no worry whatsoever. It will all be over soon. He walked up to one of the social workers that was surveying the area, “Hello,” she greeted with a fake smile. 

“I need some needles,” he said, getting straight to the point. 

“What gauge and cc?” she said, her smile faltering. 

“27G ⅝ , 50cc,” He said off the top of his head. He’s done his research, he wanted to try heroin at one point of his life and knew he would need to know this kind of thing. 

“What kind of drug may I ask?” She asks as she goes into her bag and retrieves the needles. 

“Heroin,” He deadpanned. 

“I’ll give you a one use kit as well, please inject here if you’re comfortable so we can make sure you’re safe” She said, pulling out a small kit filled with all he needed to safely inject himself, though he didn't care if it was safe or not. 

“I’ll be on my way,” 

“Please have a trip sitter or someone sober with you. If you need to talk about something, anyone of our counsellors are here to listen to you,” She said with a soft pained smile, comforting, yet filled with sorrow.

He took the kit and needles she had and walked out quickly. He saw a few roughed up guys sitting against the building and he approached gently, “Excuse me,” He said confidently. 

“What’s up rich pretty boy,” One of the men snickered. 

“I was wondering if any of you was willing to sell me heroin,” he said, his eyes not wavering once. He never felt this confident in his life, it just confirmed to himself how sure he was to go through with this. 

The men looked around before digging through a bag that was sitting in front of them. “How much are you looking for, kid?”

“Whatever you’re willing to give for this,” Akaashi pulled out a wad of cash making the men’s eyes widen. The one closest to him snagged it out from his hands and flipped through it making sure it was real.

“Shit man, alright we’ll give you this whole bag, it got fentanyl so tread lightly,” The other man tossed the drugs over to him and took the money from the other man in awe, “Damn we hit the jackpot huh,”

“Fuck yeah man,” 

Akaashi shoved the fentanyl laced heroin into his bag and walked around a bit to find an empty alleyway. He sat down taking off his coat and laying it down. He took out the one use kit and poured the contents onto his coat examining everything he was given; Alcohol wipes, filters, a cooking spoon, sterile water, ascorbic acid, tourniquet, and a needle of naloxone. 

He pulled out the bag of laced heroin and examined it. The powder was light brown and ready to be cooked, the adrenaline flowed through him as he pulled out a lighter and placed it next to him. He placed quite a bit of the heroin onto the spoon before adding the sterile water and just a little bit of the ascorbic acid, he mixed it up a little with the corner of the sterile water packet. He lit his lighter under the cooker and moved it around under to heat up the liquid to be sure everything was mixed and dissolved. When he deemed it dissolved he put one of the filters into the liquid and fetched the needle. He sucked up the liquid through the filter and flicked the air bubbles out before placing the cap back on and sitting back looking at the full syringe. The amount was definitely enough to kill him, there was no doubt. 

He checked his backpack for the letter he had written only a week earlier. It was a suicide note, though he hadn’t intended to use it so soon. He looked over the letter and used a pan to cross out something he had written to and about his parents. They wouldn't care anyway anymore. Once he deemed the letter decent enough he picked up his phone and pulled up Kuroo’s chat,

[Akaashi]

Thank you for today. Thank you for it all, Kuroo. 

As Akaashi sent that text he knew it might worry Kuroo. He couldn't decide himself if that last text was a cry for help or a sincere goodbye.

He turned his phone off after hitting send and picked up the tourniquet. He wrapped it around his bicep tightly. He opened and closed his hand several times before the vein in his arm was bulging and easily accessible. He let out a breath and picked up the needle that was lying on his thigh. His mind was empty, blocking out all the past events, knowing he’ll finally be at peace. 

He popped the top off the syringe and positioned the needle at a 45 degree angle before piercing the needle through his skin and vein. He pulled back on the syringe allowing dark red blood to fill the syringe, he hit the vein successfully. He slowly pushed on the syringe allowing the fluid to flow into his veins, halfway through he felt a rush to his head, it was working. He felt weak, will the last power he could muster he pushed as much left he could before nodding off, needle still in his arm. 

His eyelids were heavy, he couldn't move his body. The euphoric high hit as he felt his breathing slow and slow until hypoxia set in. 

~

Bokuto was sitting in his living room when he heard the hallucinations and commands, it was the second time this week psychotic episodes had been acting up they crept up fully before he could even comprehend the fact another episode would begin. They told him to check the doors, someone was in the house. He tore his apartment apart, believing every word the voices were saying. He made sure to check the door was locked ten times before realizing they must’ve come through the window. 

_ “The windows,” _ The voices said over and over again. The voices couldn’t be wrong, they were there to help him. To keep him safe. He walked over to the window cautiously, stepping over the couch cushions he had thrown onto the floor looking for the intruder. The voices were right, they came from the window. The window itself was slightly open, he felt a shiver run through his body.  _ “Behind you,” _ The voices whispered. He turned quickly, his breathing quickening, he felt his heart beat out of his chest. There was no one there,  _ “Hiding,” _ They said. 

“Come out,” Bokuto said loudly, “Stop hiding! Come out! I know you’re here,”

After a few minutes of shouting loudly there was a knock on the door,  _ “Run,”  _ The voices said. 

Bokuto walked to the locked door slowly and looked through the peephole, 

_ “Hide,”  _

_ “Jump out the window,”  _

_ “Fly away,”  _

“Bokuto Koutarou, I know you're in there, open the door please,” There were three loud knocks on the door. 

_ “Get a knife,” _ one voice had said.

Bokuto ran to the kitchen and took the handle of the biggest, sharpest knife he had. He walked to the door and unlocked the five locks he had installed on his door. He opened it partially with wide eyes, he peeked through the door which was only open ajar. 

_ “Stab him,”  _

“Bokuto, you got another noise complaint, this is your fifth complaint this month,” 

“N-no, they, there intruder, I was finding him,” 

“Bokuto, please open this door,” the building manager stated firmly pushing on the door.

Bokuto ran backward with the knife held out in front of him in defence. The apartment manager looked at him in shock, “Put the knife down or I'll call the police, Bokuto.” 

Bokuto dropped the knife effectively letting it puncture through his foot. He fell back and pulled the knife out of his socked foot, “Fuck fuck fuck,” the blood stain on his sock grew before his whole sock was red. 

The manager stood in shock before calling an ambulance to come collect the shaken and distraught man. Luckily the manager knew first aid and followed what the 911 operator was telling him to do, Bokuto was in shock as he watched the manager of the building wrap his foot. Soon after the paramedics got there they loaded Bokuto into a wheelchair and wheeled him into the ambulance. The manager had to go with him to make a statement of what happened as the paramedics deemed Bokuto too out of it to make a proper one. 

After the treatment of Bokuto's foot he stared blankly at the wall in front of him in the hospital room. He hated it here, he’s been here too often.

“Bokuto Koutarou,  Ukai Keishin, Please tell me what happened leading up to the incident,” The nurse instructed. 

“I'm the manager of the apartment Bokuto lives at. The past month I've had five complaints about the noises coming from his apartment, so I went over to give him an eviction notice. He opened the door very cautiously and obviously paranoid, he had a knife pointed at me. I tried to walk towards him and coax him to put it down but he just dropped it and well, it landed on his foot,” The nurse nodded and looked at her notes. 

“Are you aware of Bokuto's conditions?” Ukai furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, “He has schizophrenia, we know him well here. Unfortunately he refuses to stay here for treatment meaning his psychotic episodes cannot be regulated or watched over, making it dangerous mainly for himself,” the nurse sighed, “he has no violent history against others making this a shock to us. Did he threaten you at all?” 

Ukai looked at Bokuto whose eyes were half closed, bags littered his under eyes. His expression was blank, stone cold. “No, he didn't. He ran away from me, he was obviously scared. Using the knife to try to scare me. There was no threatening, just fear,”

She nodded and thanked him before walking out to go get the doctor who had taken a look at Bokuto's foot, “Hello Bokuto,” the familiar voice made Bokuto’s eyes widen and he turned his head towards the doctor, “Ukai Keishin. We know you aren’t the guardian of Bokuto here but unfortunately we have no one to call for him,”

Ukai was getting tired of being here, he wasn't the kid’s dad, he only came for the statement, “He’s being evicted from the apartment building I run. I will not be his go to guardian. I barely know him. He’s not my responsibility,” Ukai said standing up abruptly. The doctor looked at him in shock before nodding in understandment, “If he snaps back to reality tell him he has two weeks to move out,” With that he left the hospital and went back to work. 

The doctor sighed and turned to Bokuto, “Here we are again,” Bokuto turned to him and nodded sadly. This was the only doctor Bokuto trusted, the only one he could deal with in the aftermath of his more extreme episodes. They had given him a strong anti psychosis drug making his symptoms go down. The amount of times he has been admitted they know the procedure that usually works for the young man. “Are you sure you don't want to be admitted here, Bokuto?” Bokuto shook his head quickly. “Is there anywhere you can stay tonight so you're not alone?”

Bokuto looked over to the side table where his phone was lying untouched. He shrugged as the doctor handed him his cell phone. Bokuto opened it and dialed his friend Kuroo. After three rings the phone was answered cheerfully, “Hey Bokuto! What’s up man?”

“Kuro. ‘m at the hospital, can I crash at yours tonight?” Bokuto mumbled. 

The noise on the other side of the phone stopped. “What the fuck, Bokuto are you alright? I'll be there in ten minutes,” The phone disconnected and Bokuto groaned.

“I didn't want him to know about my schizo.” 

“It's for the best Bokuto, I assume he’s on his way?” Bokuto nodded and the doctor stood up. “Do you want me to tell him or do you want to tell him? I'll let him know about your foot when he gets here. You can choose to tell him about your diagnosis or I can. It’s important you have someone to go to about it, boy,” Bokuto grumbled into the pillow he shoved his face into. 

When Kuroo arrived he ran straight to the room the receptionist told him. He opened the door relief rushing over him as he saw Bokuto sitting up on his phone, “Bokuto! What the hell happened?”

Bokuto looked at him before motioning to the foot that was wrapped up in bandages, “Dropped a knife,” 

Kuroo let out a breath and sat down on one of the chairs, “Jesus christ Kou. Who let you hold a knife, huh?” he chuckled. 

Bokuto’s face stayed emotionless, “I want to tell you something,” He started. Kuroo froze but let him continue, “It is difficult to tell people so I usually don't, but it's a big factor in my life. I understand if you don't want to be friends with me after…” He trailed off.

“Don't say that Bokuto, you know whatever it is won't make me see you any different from the person I see now,” He crossed his arms and looked at the man with a soft expression. 

“Uh okay, well a couple years ago, I was diagnosed with uh, Schizophrenia,” Before Kuroo could say anything he continued, “I have these psychotic episodes sometimes and most times I end up here… Like today,” When Bokuto looked up at Kuroo he swore he could see the gears turning in his friends head. 

“Okay…” Kuroo started still looking directly at Bokuto, “I don't know much about it but you could teach me? Let me know how I can help?” 

“Do you want to know what happened tonight?” He asked unsure if he should elaborate on why his foot was wrapped up tightly in a bandage. 

“If you’re comfortable with that,” 

“Okay. So, generally I have audio hallucinations, meaning I hear things that aren't there… It’s hard to know what's real and what's just my own mind. Today I was having an episode, delusions and hallucinations at the same time. The hallucinations were telling me there was an intruder, I had to find them. I guess in the midst of things I was really loud, I was tearing apart my apartment. I got a noise complaint, so the manager came to give me a two weeks notice I guess, but I thought it was the intruder. So I took a knife and used it to scare them off but I freaked out and dropped it…” 

“Koutarou…” Kuroo said sadly. 

“I don't need your pity Kuroo. It's just… Frustrating. It’s my fault for not taking my medication,” 

Before Kuroo could speak the doctor walked in with a small smile on his face, “Kuroo I assume?” Kuroo stood up to greet him properly, “Thank you for coming in on such short notice, I’m sure it means a lot to Bokuto,”

“Of course, he’s my friend,”

“I'm glad. Okay, so about the wound on his foot, luckily the knife didn’t hit any bones which could’ve chipped anything. It somehow landed perfectly between his metatarsus. He did lose quite a bit of blood but not too much to be overly worried. His blood clotted well and the bleeding is very minimal now. It will be painful for him to walk on his foot so I will give him these crutches he should use until it's all healed. The bandages should be changed whenever going out, we did have to use eight stitches to close the wound, they should dissolve in a few weeks so it would be ideal if he could refrain from walking until they're gone to limit the chance of them being ripped out. This isn't the first time Bokuto has had stitches so he should know the drill on handling and care. I will still give you this pamphlet for reminders.” Kuroo nodded along with the doctor and thanked him several times before saying they could both leave, “Bokuto,” the doctor said before leaving, “take care, okay? I don't want to see you back in here. Go to your counsellor and take your medication,”

“Yessir,” Bokuto said half heartedly. 

“Goodbye you two,” with that being said he left the room and Kuroo looked over to the boy who was now sitting up in the hospital bed.

“Do you need me to get the nurse or something, bro?” 

“Nah, just clothes,” Bokuto said motioning to the chair with a pile of his clothing. 

Kuroo made his way to the chair and tossed them at the boy who looked exhausted. When Bokuto was changing Kuroo checked his phone 

[Akaashi]

Thank you for today. Thank you for it all, Kuroo.

The single text that made Kuroo’s heart race. He knew Akaashi was going through a hard time but why was this text so eerie? The text had come in half an hour ago, just as he got to the hospital. Kuroo was aware of the suicidal thoughts Akaashi has had in the past and this text was very worrying. He told Bokuto he was going to make a call so he stepped out of the hospital room and dialled Akaashi’s phone number. 

The phone didn't ring, instead a voice responded, “The number you are trying to reach seems to be turned off or disconnected,” 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. He popped his head back into the hospital room before telling Bokuto he’ll be back in a few minutes before rushing down to the receptionist. “Couldn't find the room sir?” she asked.

“No, no I, uh was wondering if someone named Akaashi Keji was admitted?” 

“Akaashi Keiji?” She asked thoughtfully as she typed in the name to the computer. She shook her head negative and Kuroo had no clue if that was a good sign or a bad one. 

“Okay thank you,” He said, walking back to Bokuto's room where he was adjusting the height of the crutches. “Are you ready to go?” He asked walking over to help him with tightening the bolt on the crutch. Bokuto nodded and followed Kuroo to the door. 

As they were walking down the emergency hall they heard a voice over a walkie talkie, “Drug overdose, twenty three year old male, no sign of heart beat. Name: Akaashi Keji,” 

Kuroo felt his heart drop and he stopped in his tracks. 

“Kuroo you alright?” 

“Um, no. Did you hear what that walkie talkie just said?”

“Overdose?” 

“The name,” 

“Akaashi Keiji?” 

“Fuck,” 

Kuroo took Bokuto to the car where Kenma was in the backseat on his phone, “Oh, hey Kenma,”

“Hey Bokuto, you alright?” Kenma glanced up to the front seat where Bokuto sat. Kuroo took the crutches and put them in the back seat with Kenma wordlessly.

“Yeah I’m okay, I don't think Kuroo is though,” They looked at the guy who sat wordlessly in the driver's seat staring at his phone. 

~

Akaashi woke up with a start, lost and confused he looked around the room only to identify it as a hospital, “FUCK!” he screamed, he failed. 

Before he could look any further a figure appeared in front of him. The man had silver hair and a mole under his left eye. “Hi Akaashi. You can call me Suga!” 

“How did you…” 

“Let me explain, here, get up and sit here.” Akaashi did as he was told, not taking his eyes off the man. “I’ll cut to the chase, You’re dead.” He said motioning to the body which was lying on the hospital bed. Akaashi froze staring at his soulless body, “Freaky huh?”

“Wh-what? You’re fucking with me?” he stuttered out looking at his hands, everything seemed normal to him so why…? 

“You died from an overdose about hmmm 45 minutes ago!” Suga said with a frown. “This is your afterlife!”

“My what?”

“Okay I'll start from the beginning. You’re dead, this is what’s after death, some call it ghosts, some call it heaven, maybe even hell. There are so many different names, but the main reason you’re here is because you died so young. You never got to meet your soulmate!” Suga pouted. Akaashi’s mind was running a mile a second and he couldn’t wrap his mind around a single thing that was being said. “You’ve been assigned to be a guardian angel of sorts to your soulmate. If you had survived you would've met him in about a month's time,”

Akaashi stared at the ground, somehow even in this after life he felt numb. “What am i supposed to do?”

“Look after him! How about I give you the rundown in the morning about everything, allow yourself to adjust to how things will be for now until your soulmate passes away as well, sounds good?” Akaashi shrugged, everything seemed so surreal, soulmates? Afterlives? Guardian angel?”

“I’ll bring you back to the afterlife hub and we can get your room setup,” Suga said, grabbing Akaash’s hand and pulling him towards the door. Suga turned a dial before opening the door leading to the afterlife hub. As they walked through there were markets, and people floating around everywhere. This had to be some fever dream. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey, I edited last chapter because I honestly didn't edit it before posting it and was not very proud of it so I went back and changed a couple things but the main story is the same
> 
> *italics are what Bokuto's hallucinations are saying btw

Bokuto woke up the next morning in Kuroos' room. He sat up and looked at the clock on the side table reading 1pm. He stretched and went to stand up forgetting about the ache in his foot. He winced and grabbed the crutches that were leaning against the foot of the bed before opening the door to the main hallway of the apartment. He saw Kenma sitting on the couch drinking a cup of what he assumed to be coffee while playing with Kuroo's hair as he had his head rested on Kenma’s lap. Bokuto always admired the two boys’ relationship, the childhood friends to lovers always warmed his heart. He wished he had someone like that for him. The last relationship he was in ended sourly as his ex found out about his mental illness and immediately dumped him saying he couldn't deal with such baggage. That experience was the main reason he never told anyone about his schizophrenia. Ever since his diagnosis everyone treated him differently, whether that be pity or disgust the relationships he had with others were never the same. 

“Bokuto,” Kenma said, making Kuroo turn to face the boy who was standing in the middle of the hallway. Bokuto was still worried about how his confession to Kuroo would impact their relationship, there wasn't much talk about it because of the news Kuroo heard as they were leaving the hospital. 

“Afternoon, Bokuto. How’d you sleep?” Kuroo said, finally sitting up. He looked exhausted. Bokuto shrugged and limped his way into the kitchen before sitting down at the dining room table. A couple seconds passed before Kenma and Kuroo both walked into the kitchen, “Want something to eat?” Kuroo asked, opening the fridge. 

“No,” Bokuto replied shortly, despite the racing thoughts in his mind. 

Kuroo was confused with the lack of response and flat tone of his friend. He thought he knew Bokuto pretty well but it was clear to him now there was so much he didn’t know or comprehend. Was this change in his behaviour because of his illness? Was this just how he usually is? Kuroo knew next to nothing when it came to schizophrenia. He barely knew how to pronounce the word. Receiving the information was a shock to him but he was eager to learn more because psychology was always so interesting to him, especially after his boyfriend had told him about his diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. 

Kuroo poured some cereal and put it in front of Bokuto who looked down at it suspiciously. “Don’t like fruit loops?” Kuroo asked, sitting across from him with his own bowl. Kenma sat on one of the counters in the kitchen and stared at Kuroo. 

Bokuto shook his head, “They’re fine,” he pointed at one of the fruit loops, “There’s a bug,”

“What?” Kuroo said in disgust standing up to have a better look in the bowl only to see there was no bug, “there’s no bug, man,” he said with a hint of sadness. He recalled what Bokuto said the other night about auditory hallucinations, he’s also heard about visual hallucinations so he assumed that was what the boy was currently experiencing. 

“Sorry,” Bokuto mumbled before picking up his spoon and scooping out a couple of the fruit loops and placing them down on the napkin next to his bowl. Despite Bokuto now knowing it’s a hallucination it still creeped him out and didn’t make the hallucination go away.

“Want something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?” Kenma said suddenly, breaking the silence. 

“Water is fine?” Bokuto responded. Kenma nodded and poured him a glass of water. Kuroo hadn’t told Kenma about Bokuto's schizophrenia, feeling like it wasn’t his place to tell, Kuroo knew how much Kenma hated other people knowing about his struggles with mental illness and Bokuto obviously omitted to tell him for quite a while so who was he to tell others. 

“How’s your foot?” Kuroo asked after a few minutes of awkward silence. 

“Fine,” Bokuto shrugged. Kuroo nodded, hoping he would elaborate or just say something else but alas, nothing. Kuroo mentally sighed and stood up walking towards the sink. He poured the extra milk from his cereal out and left the bowl in the sink. 

“You’re going to wash th-” Kenma was interrupted by his head being shoved into his boyfriend's chest and feeling arms wrap around him tightly, “Okay,” he mumbled out.

Kenma relaxed into the hug before pushing him away and looking at Bokuto who was staring at them with an unreadable expression. 

The voice in Bokuto’s head was telling him to throw the bowl at them, to watch as the bowl flies in the air to land on his unsuspected victims. He looked away from the couple and closed his eyes tight. He knew this was just an intrusive thought. He gets them all the time. He knows he shouldn't act on them but the voice keeps getting louder. He crossed his arms on the table and laid his forehead on his forearms and sighed. The voice told him to stop crossing his arms and pick up the bowl. He used his own head voice to tell the voice to shut up though he knew it wouldn’t change anything.  _ “Just throw the bowl at them. They’re hugging, just throw it at them. Watch as the milk and cereal spills everywhere. Pick. it. Up. Throw it as hard as you can. Or are you too weak?” _ Bokuto abruptly stood up, momentarily forgetting about his injured foot. He winced but shook it off, “Going home now,” he stated grabbing his crutches and making his way back to the bedroom where his clothes from the previous day were scattered upon the foot of the bed. 

“Do you remember what the doctor said?” Kuroo said as he followed him cautiously.

“What part?” He asked, turning to face Kuroo who took a step back. 

_ “You’re scaring him. You’re a monster. He’s going to piss himself.” _ The voice commented. 

“About the eviction notice,” 

_ “No one wants you around. Everyone wants you to leave. You should go to another country. Just leave forever and never look back,”  _ he counteracted the voice with his own telling them to shut the fuck up. “I know,” He told Kuroo.

“What are you going to do?”   
  


“I have a tent,” He said. Kuroo knows that Bokuto had resorted to sleeping on the street a few times in his past but he simply hated that idea now that he knew of his condition. 

“No, you aren’t sleeping on the streets again. Stay with Kenma and I for a while before we can find you a new place,” Kuroo said gently. It was kind, the welcoming was warm but he felt like such a huge burden already, he didn't want to subject his best friend to his declining mental health. Bokuto shook his head no, he opened the closet door and closed it loudly before walking into Kuroo’s bedroom. Kuroo stalked back to the kitchen where Kenma was watching them closely, “What do I do?” Kuroo sighed into Kenma’s chest. 

“He told you he has schizophrenia?” Kenma asked, looking down at the man with a massive bedhead.

“Did I tell you?” Kuroo asked. He didn't recall telling Kenma what they talked about in the hospital last night, maybe Kenma was more intuitive than he had previously thought. The more days he spends with him he never fails to see new things about him. 

“Well no. I knew for a while now. I’m good at observing,” He said, simply making Kuroo nod. “I can give you a small crash course later if you want? I find schizophrenia interesting, I did a report on it not too long ago,” 

“You're incredible, you know that?” Kenma chuckled and pushed himself off the counter. 

“You’re going to let him stay here right? He might not want to, it's important he does. He seems really out of it, he’s probably having an episode, we should keep an eye out for him,” Kenma said while picking up an apple and eating it. 

“Obviously,” Kuroo sighed and walked over to the couch before flopping down and opening his phone. There was no missed call from the hospital or Akaashis parents. Unfortunately the hospital couldn’t give out any information regarding his friend’s status. He couldn’t do anything but worry all night, resulting in his two hour sleep which was interrupted with a bathroom break and the inability to coax himself back to sleep.

-

When Akaashi woke up the next morning the events of the night before dawned on him. He got up quickly and saw Sugawara sitting on the desk a few feet away from where his bed was placed. The gray haired man turned to him with a smile, it looked genuine but something felt off, “Akaashi, how are you feeling?” 

“So this is actually happening?” Akaashi asked, looking down at himself and patting his body. 

“Yessir! You’re dead and this is the afterlife. Well, one of them at least,” he trailed off, “get dressed and i'll take you on a little tour of this place. Show you some tips and tricks, you know, all the good stuff,” Suga winked. 

“Where are my clothes?” He asked looking around the empty room. 

“Ah yes! So the cool thing here is basically you can conjure up anything you really want. With some restrictions of course! So look over to an empty space and think of, say, a dresser,” Akaashi stared at him for a brief moment before turning to an empty wall and closing his eyes imagining a black dresser. When he reopened his eyes a dresser stood in front of him. His eyes widened and he moved closer to the new object in the room. His heart felt weird, it was beating quickly, it was hard for him to fully wrap his head around everything he was experiencing. It felt so dream-like but all too real. He couldn't decipher whether he loved or hated this feeling. He opened one of the drawers and it was filled with some clothes that he always wished he could wear. They were stylish and just his taste but he never wore them when he was alive because of the fact he hated his body and never had the confidence, “So? What do you think? It should be filled with all the clothes you could even desire,” Suga said standing up and moving to look at the contents in the drawer, “Oh your style is immaculate, let's get you dressed!” Suga hopped, pulling several articles of clothing out of the drawer and lying them on the bed. 

After fifteen minutes of Suga excitedly making Akaashi try on several outfits they settled on one and left his bedroom. Suga gave him a quick tour of the building where all the rooms in this afterlife were, it was huge to say the least. They made it down to the hub where many people were socializing or doing their own thing. The tour lasted around 2 hours. By the end of it Akaashi normally would have been exhausted and ready to go back to his room for a nap but oddly enough he felt fine. For the first time in as long as he could remember he felt just as energized as the time he started. Was it because he was in the afterlife? Obviously he understood this place was way different than the real world but he didn't think his stamina would be as good as it seems to be holding up currently. They made their way to the main food area, Suga had greeted many other people on his way through this world, “How long have you been here for?” Akaashi asked.

Suga stopped to think for a little while before humming, “Around five or maybe six years now?” Suga nodded, content with his answer, “Oh! There's my friend Ash,” Suga said quietly to only convey the message to Akaashi, “His story is heartbreaking, he’s still waiting for his soulmate to pass away but that man sure is kicking. I mean he’s not even that old yet, but Ash thought he was going to die way sooner,” 

“What’s the story?” Akaashi asked. He looked at the blonde man with piercing green eyes. He had glasses perched on his nose and a relaxed look on his face. He looked only to be as old as him, maybe younger, but Akaashi always had trouble guessing the age of white people. 

“Let’s go talk to him, he’s opened up a lot since he first got here I've been told. He’s more of an open book,” Suga said, dragging Akaashi behind him as he approached the boy. “Ash! How are you?” He asked as he sat down across from the boy. He was flipping through a picture album filled with beautiful pictures that must’ve been taken in the real world. 

“Oh, Sugawara, I’m doing well, how are you?” The blonde boy closed the album and turned his attention to the boys. His face was conveying no emotion but his eyes were sparkling. Akaashi was kind of confused as to how the boy knew japanese but didn't make any comment on it. 

“Picked up a stray puppy! Been his tour guide basically. I’m going to show him how to be his soulmate's guardian angel in a bit, do you think we could tag along with you on your visit? My soulmate has been kind of down lately and it might not be as entertaining as yours,” 

“Don't see why not,” he shrugged, Ash looked over to Akaashi, “Aslan but you can call me Ash,” He said politely extending a hand. 

Akaashi shook his hand, “Akaashi,” He replied simply. 

“Akaashi here was wondering what your story is. If you're allowing us to go join you on your visit do you think you could share with him some backstory?” Suga asked softly. Suga knew how hard it was for Ash to share his story but he always felt his heart warm listening to the way the boy told it. 

“No problem,” He chuckled, “I met my soulmate when I was seventeen. I lived in new york during the 80’s. I don't know if you know much about what it was like back then but basically the mafia and gangs ran mostly everything. I was a gang leader at the time and my soulmate, Eiji, had come from Japan as a photographer's assistant. They were doing a magazine interview about my gang and well shit hit the fan for a lack of better words,” Akaashi listened intently to the story as he told him about their first encounter and the connection they felt, “Obviously I didn't really know or even thought about the possibility of soulmates being real, but that connection we had… I mean, there was no other way to describe it,” Hearing those words struck Akaashi deeply, he knew he was never going to be able to feel that connection with his soulmate in the real world, how it should have been. It broke his heart knowing that his soulmate will go his entire life without having that spark or moment with him. Of course Akaashi had no clue what it would be like to meet his soulmate in this afterworld but he wished he had waited a month before he even thought about doing what he did. If only he knew. 

After hearing Ash’s story Sugawara had tears on his cheeks and ran over to give Ash a hug, “You’ve heard the story so many times now,” Ash chuckled.

“That shit breaks my heart everytime. You guys deserved so much, you deserved to live in Japan and grow old together. The world is so unfair,” Ash chuckled and shrugged. 

“Let's go see him, shall we?” The look on Ash’s face softened into a small smile thinking about seeing his favourite person and Akaashi’s heart clenched at how endearing he thought that was. As they walked to the nearest door and Ash turned a dial to his right before they walked through. It led them to the streets of New York. 

“He moved to New York?” Akaashi said with a surprised look on his face.

“Yeah, I wish he didn’t but I'm glad he and my old friend Sing are in touch. He really helped Eiji move on,” Ash shrugged, walking a little closer to his soulmate. They were standing behind the Japanese man who currently had long black hair tied in a ponytail. His back was facing them but Ash pointed him out, “He’s looking like an old man nowadays but he’s still gorgeous as ever,” Akaashi looked at the man. He was sitting on a bench across the street from a library, “It took him years to finally be able to come close to this library. He found peace in it now,” 

“Ah, this is too much for me,” Sugawara said, clenching the front of his shirt. 

“He comes here every Thursday around this time. I come visit him on the days he’s here,” Ash explained, “When someone's soulmate is near the connection becomes stronger, I come here to give him a sense of peace. I help ease his sadness and anxiety he has about this place. The guilt he felt after I had died overcame him. He has yet to forgive himself but that's just the kind of person he is. I wish I could erase it all but if I can at least ease some of the tension he has on these days then that's all I could hope for,” Ash walked closer to the man and sat next to him on the bench, the soft smile was formed once again on his lips and he placed his hand over Eiji’s, “Eiji,” He whispered.

“Ash…” Eiji whispered, a chill running down the man's back. 

“They can hear each other?” Akaashi asked with a confused gaze. 

“No, Eiji can’t feel or hear anything he says. Ash can but all Eiji feels is a sense of warm comfort,” Suga said with a look of pure content for his friend. 

Akaashi was still kind of confused with all the mechanics of things but nonetheless he watched silently as Ash’s thumb stroked Eiji’s thumb and sat in peace beside each other. The sight was heartfelt but heartbreaking at the same time. Akaashi couldn't help but feel the sense of jealousy and he hated it. He wished he could have met his soulmate when he was alive. He will never know what it's like for the mundane people to experience a soulmate outside of what he will have to put up with. He won't even be able to speak to his soulmate, his soulmate will never get to see him until his own life is over. It broke his heart even though he hadn't even heard what his soulmate looked like, his name, his age, anything. It was all a mystery, he was so anxious to find out. 

“What’s on your mind man?” Suga asked as Ash made his way back to them. 

“I just- I don't know. I wish I had met my soulmate when I was alive,” he sighed rubbing his face. 

“I couldn’t imagine that honestly,” Ash said, “A lot of people said it's really tough seeing their soulmate go upon their lives without even knowing of their existence,”

“Not helping Aslan!” Suga said smacking him on the back of the head. 

“Sorry, sorry, I don't like sugar coating things. He’s going to find out sooner or later so why would I lie to his face,” Ash shrugged. He sent a quick apologetic look to Akaashi who looked at his shoes sadly. Ash pulled his phone out of his pocket, “Ah, Shorter wants to hang out, I’ll be on my way,” Ash said before appearing before a door only to turn a dial and walk through. 

“Sometimes that man has no filter, it’s like he never aged,” Suga said with a tsk.

“It’s okay, he was being honest, I respect that. He’s not wrong either, How are we even soulmates if i've never made a connection with him before? Like… How does it even work?” Akaashi thought carefully.

“That, my friend, is an answer I cannot answer for you,”

“Can I meet him?”

“Your soulmate?” Suga questioned. Akaashi nodded in response, “Okay… It’s a bit soon though, don't you want to kind of familiarize yourself in this afterlife before you jump into it?” Akaashi shook his head no, he wanted to see him now, he wanted to know who his soulmate is, “Okay, so let's get you back to your room and i'll give you his portfolio,” Suga said turning a dial at the door before opening it and allowing Akaashi to head in first. The door led straight to Akaashi’s room, “Okay, do you want to look through the file or do you want me to give you a summary? I know a lot of people don't like reading through this shit. Especially if they don't know the person, a lot of it can be very personal to your soulmate and people prefer naturally getting to know them when they pass away,” 

The file Suga placed on the desk was huge. Akaashi’s eyes bulged out of his sockets and he looked at the name imprinted on the top. “Bokuto Koutarou”

“Bokuto…” Akaashi read. His mind went back to the last day of his life, Kuroo wanted to introduce him to this man, “Oh fuck my life,” Akaashi exclaimed. Kuroo. He wondered how the boy was doing. If he had found out yet. 

“You know, I was actually friends with him,” Suga said, pulling a picture out of the file and handing it over to Akaashi. The breath Akaashi exhaled was shaky as he looked at the picture, he was beautiful, honestly just his type. His heart felt as if it was going to explode out of his chest, “He’s a great guy,” Suga said, “we went to the same middle school, he stood up to bullies for me,” Suga mentioned with a glimmer in his eye, “Never pegged him for a gay guy but I guess in middle school it’s hard to tell. Everyone is just trying to fit in. If you do end up reading the file let me know what it says about me,” He chuckled before getting up to pat Akaashi on the back, “You remember how to get to your soulmates location?” he asked before setting his own destination on the door, ready to leave Akaashi to his own devices, “Just know that it's like midnight for them right now so depending on what kind of sleeper he is he might not be awake. I'm going to go participate in my soulmate's dream so bye! Goodluck!” Suga smiled before walking through the door into his soulmate's dreamland. 

This whole new world he was introduced to was so fascinating, he could barely believe this was all real. He honestly couldn’t be sure if it was really real but nonetheless that was what he was doing and experiencing so he might as well go along for the ride. As he looked at the picture of Bokuto he already felt a connection, like he’s known the man his whole life. He knew in reality he didn't know the first thing about this man. There was so much to unpack in this day he could barely handle the overwhelming emotions. He got to see a glimpse into what the next decades of his being would be. Did he really want that? Not being able to communicate and learn of his soulmate? Seeing his soulmate grow into who he’s meant to be without him? Akaashi couldn't seem to decide if he wanted to go through with this or not. Sugawara said not everyone chooses to be in their soulmate's life until their soulmate also joins the afterlife. He learned that there's a difference in the type of soulmates and their roles in the afterlife. Akaashi is a guardian angel, a soulmate who looks after the other in hopes to save them from something bad. He wasn’t told what it was because the future is always changing but the general outcome is often always the same. The only way to deviate that route is with the help of a guardian angel. The other type of soulmate is comfort. Ash was the comfort of his soulmate, as the name suggests it helps ease the person from mental fog and the sense of detachment from one's soulmate. It's often common in soulmates who have already met and been stricken with tragedy resulting in one of them to tear from the other momentarily. 

Akaashi’s mind was racing, he couldn't decide if he wanted to see Bokuto or to wait. He thought about it all night, his mind never once giving up to go to sleep. Thinking about all the options he had and how he was going to proceed with his actions. The selfish voice told him to give it up and not see him and let whatever happened to him happen, to save himself from the pain. After looking at the photo of the man his mind backtracked. Eventually around 7am he was mentally and physically exhausted and passed out from the tiredness his whole body was feeling. He would decide when he wakes up, night time thoughts were never the smartest way to make decisions he concluded. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PerhAPS I added Ash and Eiji from banana fish because its my fav anime at the moment and that shit hurted my heart. Hope you liked itttt leave a comment if you want it means a lot to my heaRT
> 
> Constructive criticism always welcome as well as notes on anything I may convey wrongfully of course.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw / cw : talks about suicide / suicidal ideation (this should be obvious at this point of the story but please dont read if triggering.)   
> also brief mention of past childhood abuse which will also be mentioned in future chapters so please be aware of this before reading.

Waking up the next afternoon gave him no clarity whatsoever. His mind was still running through the scenarios that could happen, he wasn’t getting anywhere with his mind so foggy. Akaashi ended up materializing his own food in his room as he didn’t want to leave his own space. As he was eating he couldn’t help but feel like this reality was only turning into what his life was before. Locking himself in his own space, eating because of the necessity, being alone with his own thoughts. He was in his afterlife for god's sake. He could be the person he finally wanted to be, he could be socializing, meeting new people. Meeting his  _ soulmate _ . He wished he didn’t have a choice. He wished he could’ve just been told what to do, take it or leave it. His indecisiveness was a force to be reckoned with, he put off killing himself for so long, he thought that would’ve been his last decision. But alas here he was, in an all white room with anything he could imagine only to be tormented with the endless opportunities and choices. He tossed his food at a wall out of frustration and conjured up a phone with Sugawara's contact information. He invited the boy over and waited in his bed meditating so he distracted himself from his thoughts. 

“Oh hi there, Akaash,” Suga said, pulling up a chair and sitting down, “what brings me here today?” 

“I’m lost,” Akaashi sighed Suga started listing off all the places in the after life again as he did on the first day with a knowing smirk on his face, “Suga…” 

“Okay okay, sorry,” he giggled, “Is this about if you wanna see your soulmate or not?” He asked seriously. Akaashi nodded, “You don’t have to decide right away. I’ve said this before but you know what your role in his life would be and some people just can’t handle it. It’s okay if you can’t,” Akaashi nodded to what the man was saying, “I don’t think I would be able to stay here for god knows how long knowing that one switch of a dial could lead me to my soulmate. Though everyone is different, I cannot stress that enough. You went through trauma. You’re dead, Akaashi. All the trauma you’ve endured led you right here, you can relax now. You have full range to choose whatever you want don’t let the pressure steer you off the tracks,” 

Akaashi knew Suga was onto something. After a moment of silence Akaashi stood up quickly, “I’m going to see him. Now. Before I change my mind,” he said walking to the door. He turned the dial and opened the door. He looked back at Suga who was looking at him with hopeful eyes and a mouth wide open, “I’ll see you soon,” 

With that he walked through the door. 

The room was dark, almost pitch black with rays of sun shining under the black curtains. Akaashi felt weird. He was in the real world now, people walking around their lives, oblivious to the afterworld they would one day experience. Akaashi found a door and tried to open it only to have his hand pass through the door knob, “Should’ve thought that one through,” he mumbled to himself. He carefully held his hands out in front of him and walked through the door. He was in a hallway, a short one leading to the kitchen. He carefully walked into the new room and looked around. Something in his chest leaped and he could only assume his soulmate was nearby. He looked around and saw two men sitting at the kitchen table, neither looked like the man in the photo. The smaller of the two had blond hair with brown roots and the other well, low and behold, his old friend Kuroo. He observed the two who were in a deep conversation about schizophrenia? Akaashi shook his head and explored the rest of the apartment, he figured he could stalk Kuroo a bit later to find out if he knew about his death yet. He couldn’t be distracted or else he feared he might chicken out of seeing his soulmate. He walked further down a hall to see the tv turned on and his stomach turned. A man was sitting on the couch staring at the tv with a blank expression. Though he seemed to be watching the tv Akaashi knew he was oblivious to what was being said or shown. His breath was caught in his throat by the man he stood before. He was gorgeous, the photo he saw the other day did no justice to the ethereal beauty. He let out a breath but quickly jumped back as the man stared right at him.  _ Calm down Akaashi he can't see you.  _ Despite what he told himself, Bokuto stared and stared as if he was trying to make sense of it all.  _ What if he can see me? _ Akaashi shuffled to the side, Bokuto’s eyes followed. 

“Hi,” Bokuto said, “I didn't know Kuroo invited anyone over, I’m Bokuto Koutarou,” He said quite loudly. Akaashi was frozen in fear, he looked behind himself and saw no one else there. He pointed to himself only for Bokuto to let out a laugh and nod. 

Before Akaashi could say anything Kuroo and Kenma had walked into the living room with a confused expression, “Who are you talking to, Bokuto?” Kenma asked as he walked by Akaashi and sat on the sofa. Akaashi couldn’t take his eyes off Bokuto and neither could he. 

“Um?” Bokuto started while pointing at Akaashi, “Him?” Both Kenma and Kuroo turned to where he pointed. They looked at eachother and decided to tell Bokuto it wasn't real, “Oh, that's a shame, he was gorgeous,” He threw up his hands in defeat and relaxed back onto the couch with a sigh. Kuroo felt a little more relaxed with how Bokuto was slowly getting back to how he was before his episode. He was acting like himself again. 

Akaashi felt a blush rise up his neck, “Wait, I'm real!” he said loudly. Bokuto’s head snapped towards what he thought was a hallucination. Akaashi’s eyes widened when he realized Bokuto had heard him, “Can you hear me?” Bokuto nodded at him slowly, his unwavering eye contact made Akaashi feel small, feel exposed. He wasnt supposed to be seen, what the fuck is going on?

Bokuto stared at his hallucination in confusion. None of his hallucinations were ever like this, sure he’s had auditory hallucinations that were a constant in his life he’s still learning to deal with. His visual hallucinations were rare, and when they are prevalent it's when he felt he was at his worst. But still, he never had a hallucination that was a person, a person he’s never seen at that. Bokuto tried his hardest to think if he'd ever met someone similar to what he was seeing but alas no one came to mind. He knew for sure he would’ve remembered someone as breathtakingly beautiful. Sure the hallucination looked distraught and sure he looked like he was about to shit himself but that's what made his curiosity reach its peak. He seemed to be self aware. Aware that he wasn't supposed to be there, wasn't supposed to be seen. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kuroo asked, turning off the TV. Bokuto snapped out of his thoughts and looked away from his hallucination hesitantly. 

“I- uh- Okay?” He stammered out, “It’s kind of odd. I’ve never had a hallucination like this before,” Bokuto squinted at the hallucination who looked like he wanted to leave. 

“Was it auditory or just visual?” Kenma asked, leaning forward to hear more about what Bokuto was saying.

“Both, I don't know, he’s looking at me right now confused as hell,” Bokuto laughed, staring at the man his mind had created, “It’s like he’s conscious, like he's confused,” 

“You don't know who it is?” Kuroo asked.

“Nope, never seen this man in my life. I wish I had, well, I wish he were real, he’s a catch,” Bokuto winked at Akaashi. 

Akaashi just looked to the ground. He felt like he shouldn’t be hearing this. Everything that's being said clicks with the conversation he heard Kenma and Kuroo talk about earlier, schizophrenia, maybe Bokuto has it? 

“Of course you would be the type of person to flirt with a hallucination, Bokuto,” Kuroo laughed at his friend who shrugged and smiled. The conversation ended and silence filled the room. Akaashi felt like he should leave but the feeling he was experiencing just being near Bokuto felt so euphoric. He didn’t want it to leave, he wanted to feel like this forever. “Hey so you know my friend?” Kuroo started. His face changed as soon as he started talking, he appeared sad, sour, frustrated. Akaashi was intrigued. Is it eavesdropping if he listens to this conversation? It wasn't like Kuroo would find out he was there.

“Oh, Akaashi?” Bokuto snapped his fingers, remembering Kuroko's distress the night he was at the hospital. Akaashi’s neck snapped in Bokuto’s direction, he knew his name? 

Kuroo nodded, he swallowed nervously, “His parents called me, he’s dead,” his voice was quiet, you could hear the pain and regret through his words. 

Akaashi stared at Kuroo in interest and attempted to sit down on the couch, only for him to fall through it. Bokuto’s head snapped to Akaashi who was awkwardly trying again to sit on the couch. It finally worked and he sat with a blush littering his pale cheeks. Bokuto squinted at him, trying not to break a smile because of the mourning of his best friend. Kenma spoke up, “It was an overdose?” Kuroo nodded, “What did his parents say?”

“They said it was suicide… They didn't really seem to care… They said there was a letter too, I could go pick it up tomorrow,” Kuroo sighed and rubbed his face. Kenma scooted closer to his boyfriend and rubbed his thigh in an attempt to comfort him. “I can't help but feel like it's all my fault…” Akaashi felt rage fill his body hearing his best friend say such a thing. It was no one's fault but his own. It was going to happen eventually, Akaashi knew he would kill himself some day it had nothing to do with anyone else! Akaashi stood up and tried kicking the couch, only for his foot to pass right through the furniture. Akaashi’s face was red with rage and he looked at Bokuto who was looking at him with an eyebrow raised. 

“Stop looking at me,” Akaashi muttered to Bokuto who looked like he wanted to respond but didn't want to take the attention off of Kuroo. 

Bokuto pouted subtly and turned to Kuroo, he felt it hard to empathize with Kuroo, he had next to no clue in how to comfort someone over death, especially if it was suicide. He had had his battles with suicidal idealization and attempts so he tried, “I don't know if this will help,” Bokuto sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts, and stuff for a long time. I feel like I can understand what your friend went through to an extent… The mind, thinking, process?” He said with odd phrasing, confusing himself, “Anyway, from my experience, we think about the people we love, which I'm sure he thought of you, and we just think about how your life would be better without us around. I always think I'm such an annoying burden and that everyone would be thankful if i were to take my own life so no one would have to deal with me anymore. A lot of people think suicidal people are, in a sense, selfish for taking their life, but when we’re really in the depths of our thoughts we think of it as selfless. I know it might sound odd to you if you’ve never felt that way but we genuinely think your lives would be better if we weren't there. That being said I can't say what he was thinking when he ended it but I'm sure he never wanted you to feel like how you currently feel. He just wasn't smart enough to realize it,” His words were scattered, the pauses in between his words were clear as he was trying to figure out what to say.

Kuroo stared at Bokuto in shock, of course he had heard Kenma’s thought process with suicide after his failed attempts in the past, but hearing another person who had also felt the same way was eye opening. Kuroo recalled a conversation from Kenma’s last attempt a year ago, at the time Kenma was furious at Kuroo. He saw Kuroo like the worst person alive, he yelled and screamed at him in the hospital. “Why are you so selfish Kuroo!? I want to die, why would you take that away from me? You're so selfish you, don't think about how I feel! Living is so  _ excruciating.  _ I don’t want to live like this!” It was painful for Kuroo to hear this of course, he had been with Kenma since they were kids, but it was his first time seeing Kenma so angry at him. Kuroo turned to Kenma with tears threatening to spill and hugged him tightly. It was only a few moments before the tears fell and Kenma rocked him slightly while rubbing his back. The tears he had been holding onto for years, the ones he never showed Kenma, attempting to prove he was strong enough for both his own mental wellbeing as well as Kenmas. Kenma knew it was coming, the long awaited breakdown. He had to push his own thoughts aside, his fear that Kuroo would have had enough of his baggage and toss him out like he was nothing but a used toy. 

His tears were mournful, his shoulders shaking with sobs. Quietly wondering where he went wrong in his life to end up with such pain he felt from everyone he cared about. Why he seemed to attract people who he knew would end up mentally hurting him even if he never showed it. Soon enough he felt next to nothing. His heart was yearning for a friend he lost, worried about his boyfriend who saw himself so lowly, and now his best friend who was sitting on his couch, ready to stay for god knows how long, staring at things his mind conjures up. 

Bokuto was staring at the man he didn't know, unsure of what to do in the situation. His best friend clinging on to his boyfriend with his life. His hallucination staring upon the scene quietly with pain written all over his face. He turned to Kuroo who was clutching Kenma’s shirt, his sobs died down. He moved unsurely to lean over and pat his friend on the back, his foot which was elevated awkwardly at an angle so he could reach his friend. Kuroo let go of the smaller man and sat back on the couch. His eyes were red and puffy, his face was blank, “I wish I could have done something,” he said weakly, “Maybe if I saw his text earlier, if I-” His voice cracked.

Kenma sighed and sat against Kuroo running his hand along his thigh comfortably, “You can’t turn back time, Kuro,” Kenma whispered. Kuroo went to object only to be cut off, “What’s done, is done. He’ll never know the pain you feel, you’re so strong,”

“Then why do I feel so weak?” Kuroo whispered back. 

“You feel weaker before you get stronger,” Bokuto spoke, “It won't always feel like this,” His words fell deaf on his ears but Kuroo nodded his head anyway. Bokuto was never the best when it came to comforting people, he knew that. He felt so helpless sitting, watching his friend break down right in front of him only to say nothing. Kuroo was vulnerable, he knew this, one wrong word could send him spiralling and Bokuto knew his own mental health wouldn’t be able to handle the impact if anything more would happen, “Im going to the bathroom, i’ll be back. How about you turn on a movie, get some snacks?” He offered as he went to stand up with his crutches. He eyed his hallucination and gestured towards the bathroom. Akaashi looked at him and followed hesitantly looking back at his best friend. 

Akaashi hated how despite the fact he had made his friend into a sobbing mess, his body didn't feel heavy, if anything it felt light. It was odd, he should be feeling guilty, he should feel like shit. But with Bokuto right next to him he felt warm. He hated it. Bokuto had closed the door and shut the lid on the toilet to be able to sit and stare at Akaashi. Before Akaashi could do anything or process the fact that he and his soulmate were alone in the bathroom Bokuto spoke, “Can you not respond to my thoughts?” 

“What?” Akaashi snapped. Bokuto rolled his eyes and pointed to his own head. Akaashi assumed he was trying to say something to him but only by his inner dialogue and Akaashi sighed, “I can only hear you if you speak,” He explained. He had no clue why he was even explaining this to Bokuto. This shouldn't even be happening. Is he allowed to tell him what was going on or would that be breaking some rule he hadn’t heard of? 

“You’re a weird hallucination,” Bokuto thought out loud as he looked at Akaashi up and down, “Usually I name some voices I hear often but if anything I feel like you would name yourself… Or would I technically be naming you since my mind made you up?” His eyebrows were furrowed in thought and his mind was running a mile a minute. 

“Um,” Akaashi said, he was panicking at this point, if he said his name then Bokuto might make the connection of who he is, “Goodbye,” he said quickly. He turned the dial near the door and walked through it not looking back at the man who stared at the door with the most confused expression on his face. 

When Akaashi got back to his room in his afterlife he braced the wall and slid down it with his knees pressed to his chest. So many things happened in the short time he visited, he could barely wrap his mind around everything. Bokuto saw him, heard him. He was unsure if Bokuto felt the connection, if he did he did not act any different. On the other hand Akaashi’s heart was racing as soon as he was near, the warmness and comfort fought against his anxiety. What if Bokuto hadn’t felt anything and he was just another face? Could the afterlife make a mistake? Was Akaashi’s soulmate attraction a one sided thing? Whatever it all was something was going wrong. He had no clue if he should tell someone, what if they never let him see Bokuto again? Akaashi had no clue how he would handle himself the next time he was Bokuto, what was he even supposed to say?

The other thing that blew his mind was the fact Kuroo cared so much. He definitely didn't expect to be seeing Kuroo and he had no clue if he was glad he did or not. Kuroo seemed so broken up about it, he’s never seen his friend so torn up. And the fact that he thought it was his fault made Akaashi so  _ mad.  _ Kuroo would never do something that wasn’t in the best interest of the people he cared about so how could he even think that it was in the slightest his fault. 

Akaashi pulled his phone out and sent a text to Sugawara.

_ Akaashi _

Is it possible to like get drugs here haha

_ Sugawara _

… I’m coming over

A few seconds later Suga walked into the door, “First of all, it depends on the drug. Second, what happened?” Suga saw the position Akaashi was in and held his hand out to the man still sitting on the floor. He helped him up before moving him to the bed so they both sat comfortably. Akaashi slumped back on the bed frame and groaned into a pillow. He mumbled something Suga couldn’t hear, “I can’t hear you like that,”

“I dunno if i should say anything. I don't think I should see him anymore,” Akaashi said, pulling the pillow away from his face. 

Suga’s face scrunched up in confusion, “Did you see something you don’t want to see on a first date?”

“It’s complicated,” 

“I like puzzles,” Suga said, grinning. 

“Fine, so Bokuto has schizophrenia,” Suga looked surprised but didn't say anything, “Uh, well he can see and hear me. He thinks i'm a hallucination,” 

After a whole minute of Suga staring at Akaashi, waiting for him to say he was kidding he muttered, “Well shit,” 

“What the fuck do I do?” 

“Well this definitely isn't in the manual, I honestly don't know…” Suga thought for a moment, “But I guess it’s fine, he’s schizophrenic, people won't believe him anyway,” Akaashi frowned at how passive that was, “I mean, like they won’t believe anything you tell him it’s real, if you so choose to tell him what’s actually going on. If he were to say anything people would pass it off as delusions, you know?” Akaashi nodded. Sure all of that was true but it kind of hurt knowing that if Bokuto were to know everything if he tried to tell people they would think he is crazy. Akaashi knew he would’ve thought it all was crazy if he were told any of this before he experienced it himself. It hurt him knowing that this was true and he would be telling people something that was true only for people to pity him because of his mental illness, “It’s not like we can really go to the boss, no one knows who the boss is so that’s out of the question. There aren't any rules about this, so I can't tell you what or what not to do. Use your own discretion,” 

Akaashi thought intensely, obsessively over the pros and cons of his situation over the next few days. What he knew was that he was longing to see Bokuto again. It was a weird feeling, his heart was aching, he came down with a tiny fever only to be told by Suga it’s because of not being near his soulmate when he needs him. That struck a lot of guilt through him. His soulmate needed him but all he could do at the moment was think, and overthink. Suga had told him not everyone has fevers from being away from their soulmate but only those who’s soulmate connections are strong and unbreakable. Akaashi felt like he was breaking it by not seeing him. He wondered if maybe he held out he would stop the fever. Alas, it only got worse, after a week he could barely move a muscle, the aches and tremors moved through his body like none other. He hadn’t felt this much pain ever, it surpassed his mental pain he had felt most his life as well. Excruciating pain which could only be solved by seeing his soulmate. 

Suga said Bokuto would feel the pain as well as him, which made him feel like complete shit for avoiding him for so long. He decided he needed to see him after all. He didn’t know what kind of pain Bokuto could be in, especially since he had no clue why he felt like that. Bokuto stumbled to the door in his bare room and switched the knob to ‘soulmate location’. As he stepped through the door, he felt his fever dissipate. He looked around the room only to be met with the sight of Bokuto wrapped in a hospital blanket shaking. Shit, he did this to him. Akaashi looked beside the bed and saw a pail in which he assumed held vomit, so he decided not to investigate to save his own stomach contents. He looked around the room and saw Kuroo on a bench in the room. Bokuto was turned away from him, his attention purely on Kuroo. 

Kuroo held a look of pain as he witnessed Bokuto chuckle coarsely, the grunt of pain obvious. Guilt settled in his gut as he walked over and touched Bokuto’s shoulder, he felt the heat that was radiating off him and he frowned, that was not healthy. As soon as he touched the man his tremors and shivers stopped. Kuroo looked at Bokuto with a confused glance, “I feel a bit better now…” Bokuto said suddenly, making Kuroo panic. Sure Kuroo was no doctor but he felt like that was too unusual to be okay. He hopped up and left the room to fetch a doctor or nurse. Bokuto laid on his back with his eyes closed, his hands resting on top of his stomach. He opened his eyes only to be startled as he saw Akaashi, “Woahhhh it’s pretty boy again,” He said aloud for Akaashi to hear, “I wonder if these are fever hallucinations or just regular ones,” He laughed. It was clear Bokuto wasn't fully recovered as he himself was but it was better than nothing. 

“Bokuto…” Akaashi said, reaching out to him once again, “How are you feeling?” He asked, his voice was low, scared. 

“Better since seeing an angel,” he flirted shamelessly. Akaashi was taken back, had he figured out? Before either of them could say something a nurse walked through the door and stole Bokuto’s attention. She performed a check up and was surprised from the rate of his recovery. She informed them Bokuto would still need to stay in the hospital for a couple days to make sure nothing gets worse, they both nodded and thanked her, “Ah Kuroo guess what?” He said with a smile. Kuroo looked around before asking what, “Pretty boy is here again!” 

“Pretty boy?” 

“Yessir! The pretty hallucination I had that one time,” He turned to Akaashi and pointed, “He’s right there,” 

“Ah, does he have a name yet or just, pretty boy?” Kuroo asked with a sad smile on his face.

Bokuto turned to Akaashi, “Have you got a name?” 

Before he could think, “Akaashi,” was slipping through his mouth and into Bokuto’s ears. The boy looked at him with squinted eyes and a head tilt. 

“He said ‘Akaashi’, isn't that the name of your-”

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said in calmly, “That isn’t funny,” the stern tone of his voice made Bokuto recoil into himself. 

“I didn’t- he just tol- i’m sorry, I didn't mean to, I just said what he told me- I thought it was weird, i didn't make it up please don't be mad,” Bokuto shut his eyes, appearing to brace for impact against him. 

“Bo, i’m not going to hurt you…” Kuroo said attempting to cover the flame of rage he felt, “it just hurt, that you would use that name when you know-”

“I really didn't mean to-” 

He was cut off by Akaashi sobbing silently, “Bokuto, tell him i’m sorry, i'm so sorry,” his tears were rapidly falling down his face at this point. He was trying to rub them away only for new ones to fall in their place, “Tell him I was dumb, I’m sorry for putting him through all that pain,” 

Bokuto blinked at him before turning to Kuroo who wiped a singular tear from his face, “He said he’s sorry, he didn't mean to put you through all that pain,” 

“Bokuto! Shut up that’s not fucking funny!” Kuroo said, standing up abruptly. Kuroo had angry tears streaming down his face. Bokuto hid behind his arms in fear of being hit. He hated being yelled at, he hated sudden outbursts, it reminded him of his dad and he hated it. 

“Please don't hurt me Kuroo, I'm sorry,” Bokuto heard Kuroo mutter curses under his breath before apologizing and excusing himself. 

Akaashi cried seeing the scene unfold, he started all of this, it was his fault. He felt Bokuto’s fear, he felt the pain ring through his heart. He felt so guilty, he couldn’t stand it anymore, “I- i have to go, i’m sorry Bokuto,” Akaashi said, turning the knob near the door.

“No- no,” Bokuto’s voice broke in pain, “Please don’t leave,” He sobbed, “Akaashi, I can’t be alone,” The sobs were heart wrenching, the pain in his voice more emotional than he could’ve ever imagined, “Please?” The last sad, broken beg left Bokuto’s mouth as Akaashi apologized and walked through the door. He missed the sound of Bokuto screaming in agony, his heart being stomped on, his best friend leaving his side, his soulmate leaving in a time he needed him the most. He missed the way Bokuto sobbed as the nurses held him down to prevent thrashing and fighting against them. He missed the way Bokuto screamed his name, for any kind of anchor he could grasp at. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's hard writing this story, it took a long time as I was struggling with my own depression and suicidal ideation. I have to be In a certain mindset to write this story so i'm sorry it took so long to update but i'm doing a bit better now and i've been writing a lot (mostly my other story since it doesn't hit as hard as suicide talk) but i'm going to try and work on this more, I have ideas it's hard to get there though. 
> 
> Hope yall didnt feel too sad with all this angst, love yall <3 stay strong and safe out there, loves


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! For self harm, binge drinking.   
> please don't read this story if anything is triggering in the tags. Take care of yourselves.

Kuroo slammed the door to his apartment. He didn’t want to be mad at Bokuto, god knows he doesn’t need anything else to add on his plate. He felt like shit for lashing out like that but hearing the things Bokuto was saying was driving him crazy. “Kenma!” He cried out into the apartment. Kenma walked out of his room and looked at Kuroo with a questioning glance before seeing the tears streaming down his face. He didn’t look sad he looked angry. Kenma pushed down the thoughts of Kuroo being mad at him and asked what happened, “Bokuto, he just- fucking hell,” He wiped his tears away, “You know that hallucination he had the other day?” Kenma nodded following his boyfriend to the couch, “He pretended to ask the thing what his name is before claiming it was Akaashi and then proceeded to tell me that his hallucination told him to tell me something,” 

“Do you think he was subconsciously trying to comfort you?” Kenma asked, rubbing his back. Kenma knew he wasn’t the best at helping people calm down but he knew rubbing his boyfriend's back always helped him calm down when he was stressed. 

“What kind of fucking comfort is that?!” He practically screamed. Kenma was not good with people yelling at him. 

“I know you’re upset, Kur-

“Im more than fucking upset, i’m furiated, I’m sad, I feel fucking useless,” 

“Please let me finish. You’re upset, this happened not too long ago but I don't want you yelling when i’m right here. I’ll let you calm down and then we can talk about it, okay?” Kenma was speaking softly, his eyes begging. The anger he saw wasn’t directed at him but he felt his hands start to shake with anxiety, his throat constricting and mouth dry up. 

Kuroo knew he was right but he felt like he was being shoved off the edge, he couldn’t keep it bottled in anymore, “If you don't want to hear me, then leave. I’m so tired of keeping this bottled in, I don't know what to do, okay? You can’t blame me for this! My friend is dead, he fucking killed himself with heroin! My  _ boyfriend _ thinks I fucking hate him when a small inconvienience happens, and my other friend is fucking insane, in the hospital talking to my dead friend! Everything is fucked up I feel like i'm going crazy,” 

“Kuroo I can’t talk to you like this…” Kenma felt his lip tremble, he needed to be strong for his boyfriend. But he couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of his head. Kenma knew his mood swings were hard for Kuroo but he couldn’t help them when they happened. 

“Of course you can’t!” Kuroo snapped, “You can never handle me when I need it but when you’re having your freak outs I have to be the one to shoulder all of it. I can only hold so fucking much! So leave Kenma, get out before I say something I fucking regret,” The look in his eyes was enough for Kenma to jog out the door. It was something he had never seen before, he knew he had done it. How was he supposed to help his boyfriend? He couldn’t even help himself, he was useless, he couldn’t do anything right. Kenma curled into himself once he was outside behind their apartment complex. He felt his mind telling him to kill himself, he felt the need to do something impulsive, he wanted to feel in control. Kuroo hated him, the one person he held on a pedal stool didn’t want him around he was too much for him. He gripped his hair, pulling hard. 

He hated his mind, he couldn’t deal with it right now. The worst part about knowing you’re mentally ill is knowing the cause of your thoughts but not being able to stop them. He knows why he felt like this, his therapist tells him every time, but even though he knows he feels like they’re true. He can tell himself it’s not true, Kuroo doesn’t hate him, but his subconscious will brush it off and come up with several more reasons why. Through the tears in his eyes he saw broken glass. His chest tightened, the sight of it set him off, the wave of impulsive desire pushed him to pick it up. He stared at the glass, the end was pointed, sharp. He put it to his skin. His breathing was quick, “Fuck,” he muttered as he saw the blood dripping onto the pavement. He threw the glass far away from himself. The cut was bad, he knew that as soon as he pulled the glass away from his skin. The pain ran through his body, after the deed was done. His brain lit up with red flashing lights as he examined the gash. 

He stood up, ignoring the pain from the wound. He knew there was a hospital not too far from where they live. He knew he would need stitches for this, he was already losing a lot of blood. He cursed, pulling down the sleeve over the bloody arm. He didn't want to make a scene out of it all as he walked down the street. He knew the sleeve of his shirt was already soaked with blood judging by the looks of fear and shock bystanders were giving him. He waved off a few people as they asked if he needed help. He didn’t need help from random people on the street. He saw the hospital up ahead, his mind felt fuzzy, he was lightheaded. He made it into the front door and walked up to the counter, “I need help,” he managed to get out. Everything that happened afterwards felt like a dream, he didn’t know exactly what was happening, he hated how much he liked this attention, he hated how the first thing he thought was, ‘maybe Kuroo will care now’. 

When Kenma opened his eyes he saw the familiar ceiling of the hospital. He sighed sitting up and rubbing his eyes with the arm that wasn’t bandaged up. He looked around the room, it was empty. He felt his heart clench. Kuroo wasn’t there, his emergency contact, who was always there when he woke up in this familiar room, wasn't here. Kuroo must have had enough of Kenma, that was the last straw for him. Kenma ruined everything, the man he cares about the most was tired of him, tired of dealing with his mood swings, his outbursts. He felt so empty, he hated Kuroo… No, that didn’t feel right. He loved him so much, too much. More than Kuroo would ever love him. He shouldn’t have come to the hospital, he should’ve done more, he should’ve ended it. He balled his hands into fists, digging his grossly long nails into his palm, he felt the pull on his wound, he didn't care. He rolled his hand back, flexing his hand on the arm that was freshly stitched. It pulled, stung, ripped, he felt the stitches holding on for their life. Blood soaked through the bandages, red, angry. He thought back to what Kuroo said,  _ “I can only hold so much,”  _ He felt his eyes well up with tears. Kuroo had told him he couldn’t handle anything more and here he was in the hospital, creating more problems for the man he loved too much. No wonder he didn't show up. 

A few moments after Kenma pulled a stitch a doctor walked in and darted his eyes to the bloody bandage. Kenma was staring at the red blankly. The doctor said something but all he could process was “Stitch, open,” He nodded and let the doctor do whatever he needed to do. After the other nurses left from assisting the doctor with the stitches the doctor sighed and sat down next to the bed, “Kozume Kenma,” He said. Kenma decided to actually pay attention to the doctor so he turned his head to the man, his eyes empty, “I took a look at your file, I would like to ask you a few questions if you’re willing to comply,” Kenma shrugged. The doctor proceeded to ask Kenma about the wound, if it was an accident or intentional. Kenma responded honestly. There was no point in lying anymore, he didnt care what happened to him now, he lost the love of his life, nothing mattered anymore. After several more questions the doctor asked, “Have you thought of an inpatient program?” Kenma paused, he couldn’t go home, he couldn’t deal with having to see Kuroo, not even to grab clothes or anything of the sort. Kuroo didn’t want him there anyway, he had to push Kuroo away, get rid of him. Never talk to him again, it would just bring the both of them more pain. 

“Can I be admitted now?” He asked. The doctor seemed surprised for a moment before nodding letting him know he’ll start the paperwork and have an ambulance take him to the psychiatric hospital. He told the Doctors not to tell Kuroo about his admission to the psychiatrist hospital and only inform him about the initial admission if they had to tell him anything. It was protocol for them to tell the emergency contact that they’re in doctor's care. They agreed to what Kenma asked of them, he was old enough to make his own decisions after all. 

Kuroo got the call from the hospital about Kenma’s admission to the general, drunk off his mind he told them he couldn’t be there. He told them to keep him updated but he hadn’t received a call since. When he woke up the next morning, his head was pounding, Kenma still wasn’t home. He called Kenma several times, unaware he didn’t have his phone in the psychiatric hospital, he had no clue where he was. The panic washed over him around noon. Kenma never went this long without messaging him, he really fucked up yesterday, didn't he? 

Bokuto was restless, he hated being in the hospital room alone. He watched the clock, the time pass, he was bored. He called one of the nurses into his room with a button. She walked in with a kind smile and a glass of water, “Hi Bokuto, how are you feeling?” 

“Mentally, not the best, but physically I feel great! I think I’m okay to leave,” she asked about his mental state, “Oh, nothing, I had a fight with my friend but it’s okay!” The nurse looked him over before giving him a small check up deeming he was okay to leave. She was still confused on how he got over the fever so fast but nonetheless his symptoms were clearing and had no signs of coming back. Bokuto stood up from the bed and stretched, his foot had healed quite well, it only hurt when he put too much pressure on it. He had a slight limp but other than that he didn’t need his crutches anymore. He got dressed in the clothes he was admitted in and walked out of the hospital. He breathed in the fresh air and smiled. The smile was short lived as he thought about having to go back to Kuroo and Kenma’s place. He hadn’t talked to either of them since Kuroo had stormed off. Suddenly he felt a rush of anxiety from having to see Kuroo once again, what happens if Kuroo gets so pissed off he tries to hurt him? Bokuto tried shrugging the thought off, Kuroo was his best friend, he wouldn’t try to hurt him. Though Bokuto thought his father would never hurt him only to be proven wrong so maybe he shouldn’t be too confident about his friend. Trust was hard for him anyway. 

Bokuto took the bus to get to Kuroo’s place, he didn't want to walk due to his foot though the apartment was pretty close. He hopped out of the bus a block away from the complex and walked slowly, preparing things he wanted to say to Kuroo. 

Once he arrived at the apartment he knocked on the door, usually he would just walk in but he didn't want to startle Kuroo and Kenma. Kuroo opened the door, he looked like a mess to say the least. His hair was messier than usual, he looked at Bokuto with a sort of disappointment. He was drunk, Bokuto concluded upon seeing all the bottles of beer amongst other alcoholic beverages littered across the room. Kuroo opened the door and walked to the living room saying nothing, “Kuroo…” Bokuto said, closing the door behind him. 

Kuroo held up a hand to Bokuto to stop him from talking, “I have nothing to say right now,” He slurred. Bokuto gulped and nodded. He took off his shoes and made his way to the spare room he had been staying in. He was glad the other wasn’t getting violent but the quietness of everything made Bokuto want to scream. He decided to scroll through his phone before texting Kenma asking where he was. There was no response, even after several hours. Bokuto wanted to walk out of the room and ask Kuroo but the man in question was binge watching Avatar the Last Airbender drunk off his mind. 

Suddenly Akaashi was standing at the door, “Akaashi,” Bokuto said quietly.

“Hi,” He said, his voice broke, “I need to tell you something,” Bokuto’s face fell. The conflict was obvious.

“Don’t tell me to kill myself,” Bokuto pleaded, his voice was shaky. Akaashi stared at him in shock. He would never tell anyone to kill themselves… Why would he think he would say that? “I hear it enough, I just, I don't want you to say it, anything else is fine, just please no,” 

“No, Bokuto I would never say that I swear,” Akaashi said, sitting next to him on the bed. Akaashi sighed, “Do you feel any different when I’m around?” Bokuto looked at him like he had lost his head. Akaashi was shaking from anxiety, his heart was pounding yet all he felt was warmth from being around him.

“I- don- i have no clue what you want me to say,” He said.

“I’m going to tell you something crazy but I want you to believe me,” Akaashi said, he knew it was far fetched. He hadn’t a clue as to how Bokuto’s hallucinations talked to him, what they made him believe. He was asking a lot from him and he knew that, Akaashi closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I’m dead,” He heard a scoff. Upon opening his eyes Bokuto’s body language was closed off, his arms crossed, looking at him with a glare. 

“You’re telling me i’m talking to a ghost huh? Fucking great, i’ve had this delusion before, the first time I was admitted to the hospital. I’m not going to believe it, if you will, can you get the fuck out of my head,” Akaashi had a shiver roll down his spine. His words cut at him like a knife. 

“I know you’re schizophrenic Bokuto, I’m not a hallucination, you’re not even supposed to see me-”

“I’m not supposed to see a lot of things but, surprise, I do,” 

Akaashi took another shaky breath, “I’m dead, I’m your soulmate. I’m Kuroo’s friend, who overdosed. I know you helped a young boy named Sugawara when you were younger from bullies. I have a whole folder on you, because you’re my soulmate,”

“Sounds like a stalker if you ask me,” 

“Im not a- Listen, Bokuto. I know you’re struggling with hallucinations, delusions, among so many other symptoms but I swear to you, I’m not one of them,” Akaashi was begging. Begging he would believe him, begging he would just hear him out even though he barely knew what to say. 

“You know, I want to believe you, I do. No other hallucination has been so… Like you? But how the fuck am I supposed to believe you… I’m crazy, insane. Your existence, or non existence is just proving the fact I should be in the coocoo bin,”

“Stop it. Don’t say that about yourself,” Akaashi begged, his voice was strained. He could sense the pain and anguish Bokuto was going through, the confusion, the helplessness, “You’ve never seen a picture of me… So, maybe, if you ask Kuroo-”

“No. I can’t talk to him… You- he hates me okay? If I mention your name he’ll hurt me…” He looked vulnerable and scared. 

“Kuroo would never hurt you. You know that,” Akaashi said softly. Akaashi knew Kuroo would never do anything to hurt his friends. He was always nice, he would barely hurt a fly.

“I can’t trust anything or anyone, okay? I can't trust myself, I can’t trust my own family, I can’t trust Kuroo, and you expect me to trust you?” 

“No…” Akaashi sighed. He knew it would be hard for Bokuto to trust him, “I can’t make you trust me, hell, I don’t even know what the fuck is going on honestly. I never believed in the afterlife. When I killed myself I was hoping it would just be nothing, it would be done. But now I’m here, finding out I have a soulmate that I was supposed to meet a month after I went through with my plan… This doesn’t feel real to me either,” Akaashi gave up on trying to make eye contact. He was staring at the ground, wishing this could all be over, wishing he didn’t have to go back to the hub, wishing all this soulmate shit was his mind fucking with him. 

“Reverse psychology?” Bokuto asked. Akaashi didn’t look up, “why do you feel so fucking real? Why do I feel like,  _ okay  _ when I see you? Why did I feel like my heart was being ripped out when you left me that time in the hospital?” Bokuto played with his fingers, “I want to believe you because I just don’t understand but the last time I believed in my hallucinations I got kicked out of my apartment and a knife in my foot. But you’re so… different?” Akaashi looked up at him, hope clear in his eyes. Bokuto didn’t look back at him, his eyes drawn to his fingers as he picked at the skin around his nails. 

There were a couple loud knocks on Bokuto’s door, startling the two of them, “Bokuto… I needs you to call, um Kenma Kozume,” A slurred voice called through the door, before a small sniffle. 

“Kuroo? Uh, come in?” Bokuto called back, his mind now fully focused on his friend who was baging on the door, clearly still drunk and crying. The door opened, Akaashi stared at his old friend, he looked like a mess. “What do you need?” Bokuto asked cautiously. 

“Kenma, call him. He hates-” Another sob ripped through him, “he hates me. I fucking fucked up, and he hates me,” the dark haired man plopped down on the floor, his body seeming not to be able to hold him up on his own. 

“Why would he hate you Kuroo?”

“Just fucking call him! I fucked up just-” he exhaled shakily, “Please…” His head lulled back against the wall, “heads too heavy,” He muttered, closing his eyes. Bokuto gulped, he looked at Akaashi who looked guilty, as if he caused all this pain to Kuroo. Bokuto pulled out his phone and dialed Kenma’s phone number. The phone rang several times before the answering machine picked up asking him to leave his message. 

“Kenma, it’s Bokuto. Call me back as soon as you can…” He hung up. Kuroo had rolled his head on his shoulder to watch Bokuto as he hung up the phone and gave him a look of pity.

“I’m gonna puke,” 

Bokuto stood up quickly and grabbed the garbage can that was next to the bed and ran over to the man. Kuroo started spitting in the can before he puked in the trash can. Bokuto looked away in disgust. Akaashi was walking over to Kuroo and sat next to him. Bokuto watched as Kuroo was finished hurling in the garbage can. Akaashi put his hand on Kuroos shoulder, a tear slipping from his eye, “I’m sorry Kuroo,” Bokuto watched with squinting eyes, curious, confused, “Help him to his bed, Bokuto?” Akaashi asked, his eyes pleading. Bokuto felt himself nodding. He walked over to the man who was mumbling something incoherently with his eyes closed and his head against the wall. He bent down, ignoring the throb in his healing foot and pulled one of Kuroo’s arms around his neck, pulling him up. They clumsily made their way to Kuroo’s room, Bokuto practically dragging the drunk man the way there. He tossed Kuroo on the bed and let out a loud huff before closing the bedroom door and walking to the guest room. 

Akaashi was still sitting on the ground, his knees pressed to his chest, arms wrapped around his shins. Bokuto sat on the bed wordlessly looking at Akaashi, “What now?” Akaashi looked up to him and shrugged, “I want to believe you,” 

Akaashi’s eyes widened, “You don't have to say that. I can’t stop visiting you or you’ll get sick again… I can visit quickly from now on… I wont cause you any confusion… Just pretend you don’t see me next time, i’ll pop in and leave-”

“No, I like it… When you’re here, my mind feels clearer, my thoughts don’t run wild… The voices, they stop when you’re here… You’ve told me all that stuff… You can’t just leave me…” Bokuto said, trying to make his words clear to get his point across. He still had no clue what was happening but he knew how having Akaashi around made him feel and he didn’t want it to stop, he needed him around. More than a quick visit. He wanted him around all the time, but he knew that would be too much to ask of him. 

Akaashi breathed in before standing up and letting out the breath. He turned to the door and turned a nob, “I need time to think about everything. Can I ask you one question first?” Bokuto nodded, “Can I read some of your file?” Bokuto looked to the ceiling. Akaashi said that the file he was talking about was on him, he didn't know in how much detail but he didn’t think it could be too much. Maybe if Akaashi read it he would run away like everyone else, that is of course, if it did exist. If the file said as much as he hoped it wouldn’t then there is no way in hell he would let Akaashi read it, right now, he needed Akaashi he couldn’t have him leave him yet. 

“Not yet, please?” Bokuto said. Akaashi heard him. He respected the mans wish, he would find everything out eventually, maybe it was dumb of him to even want to look at the file. It has everything about Bokuto in it, of course he would say no, hell if roles were reversed there would be no way Akaashi would let Bokuto look at his file. Akaashi wanted to learn more about the man’s family but nonetheless, he would feel wrong to do so without the consent of Bokuto. He got his answer and he had to respect that.

“Okay, I won’t. Sleep well, Bokuto,” 

With that, Akaashi opened the door, leading to his room and sat on his bed. Unable to sleep, thinking over the day, the way Kuroo looked and acted. He had no clue where Kenma had gone without a word to render Kuroo drunk and sobbing. He figured he might as well try to check if Kenma was a new addition to whatever you want to call this afterlife. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to reiterate that Kenma had BPD (Borderline personality disorder) it was mentioned briefly in another chapter. 
> 
> Also this was so short because I feel like i'm getting pretty bad again, feel like another spicy sad boy week(s)/Month is coming so I wanted to get this out incase I disappear again for however long. 
> 
> stay safe and take care of yourselves 
> 
> -hunter


	5. Please read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update on this fic I Hope you take time to read!

Hey  😀🤚

Sorry to disappoint you with an authors note rather than a chapter but please read if you want  🥺

So I want to start by saying I’m NOT giving up on this fic, I really want to finish it.

That being said - I don’t know how long it’s gonna take before I start updating again. I’m finally doing better with my mental health, I’m on medication that’s actually been working finally  🤙 .Because of that reason I feel like some topics in this would be hard for me to write when I’m just now in a good place. When I get more stable and better recovered from these past terrible months I’ll definitely start posting again.

I also want this story to be good and well planned out rather than going with the flow and a couple ideas because I just need more to go off of y’a know?

With all that now in the open I understand if you wanna drop the fic but I just wanna say thank you for reading up until now! All the support I’ve gotten on the fic has been amazing. And if you plan on sticking through with me when I’m able to be consistant I hope I can have great chapters for you to read once I’m back!

I have another fic which is way less intense than this that I’ve been writing and updating if you wanna check it out  🥸

Thank you for reading this it means a lot I hope you’re all doing well and staying positive  ❤️❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everything up until now! I hope to see you soon 💝

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you guys think. Comments mean a lot to my little heart.


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